Ewan yawns, stretches, and opens
his eyes, only to find himself staring up at the trees overhead. He’s lying on the ground with his head on
Al’s foot, which makes for a pretty good, squishy pillow. “Aw man.
How long was I out?” he says to Al.
Al doesn’t respond. He just stands there blinking and looking
back at Ewan with the same blank stare he always has.
“I guess I nodded off and took a
nap for an hour or two. Where’s The
Deer? Wait; speak of the devil.”
The door to the old log cabin
slowly opens halfway, The Deer squeezes through the opening and tip toes out backwards
as he slowly closes the door, being very careful not to make a sound. In his other hoof he’s holding a pair of
men’s dress shoes. He starts walking
towards Ewan and holds a hoof up to his mouth in a “shh” mannerism and motions
for them to follow him. Ewan nods back with
a look of understanding.
Ewan waits until they get down
to the bottom of the hill and out of earshot of the cabin before he speaks, “So
what happened? Is she going to be okay?”
“Yeah, she’s going to be fine,”
replies The Deer. “We just talked and
worked through all the issues. No big
whoop.”
“All you did was talk?”
“That’s right.”
“Well, did you at least get the
digits?” asks Ewan.
“Yeah, I got her number.”
Ewan laughs. Then he pauses abruptly, “Wait, you’re
serious?”
“Yeah. Why?”
“Because you’re a deer! Deer don’t even have phones! Even if she wrote it down on a piece of paper
what would you do with it?”
“I do have a phone. It’s an iPhone, in fact.” The Deer reaches behind his back and pulls
out the shiny piece of hardware from before, “Here, see. It’s an iPhone. This is what we were looking at Forestbook on
earlier.”
“No way. That thing is a phone? I thought it was some sort of fancy, smaller
iPad. I’ve never seen an iPhone that
looks like that.”
“Yeah, it’s a new model that I
got in advance. It’s not for sale to the
general public.”
“I still don’t believe you.”
“Why not?”
“Well for starters, you have
hooves! Great, big hooves! How can you even use the touch screen?!”
“Like this. Here, watch.”
The Deer starts opening and closing apps, flicking through photos in his
photo gallery, and so forth.
“You have hooves!!” shouts Ewan,
shaking bent arms towards The Deer. “How
are you doing that??”
“It’s an iPhone; it’s really
easy to use. Come on, everyone knows
that. Unless…”
Ewan is suddenly dead silent.
“Unless…” repeats The Deer,
looking suspiciously at Ewan.
“Unless what?” asks Ewan.
“Unless you don’t have an
iPhone!”
“Of course I have one!” says
Ewan, a bit flustered.
“Oh yeah? Name three apps you have.”
“Um, well, there’s the, um…”
“Ah-hah! I knew it!
Anyone who’s ever used an iPhone would know how easy and intuitive the
interface is on it, and would never say anything like you did. Admit it!”
“Okay, fine! I confess!
I still have an old-school flip phone.
I’m an iPhone noob.”
“That’s what I thought,” says
The Deer triumphantly. He flicks through
a couple more screens on his phone and then puts it away.
“How are you doing that?”
exclaims Ewan, still in minor disbelief at what he sees. “And where are you keeping that phone?”
“Like I said, it’s an iPhone,
it’s easy to use. And I keep it in my
pocket.”
“In your pocket? Deer don’t have pockets.”
“Sure we do.”
“No you don’t. You’re not wearing pants, a shirt, a jacket,
or any article of clothing for that matter.
So what, are you half kangaroo or something?”
“No, I just keep everything in
my pocket behind my back.”
“Let me see this pocket you
speak of.” Ewan peers behind The Deer and
feels around on his back. “I don’t see
anything.”
“Keep going. It’s a little lower.”
Ewan keeps feeling around The
Deer’s back over his hind legs.
“A little bit lower still,” says
The Deer.
Ewan walks around behind him a
little more and squats down so that his head is about eye level The Deer’s back
hips. The Deer lifts his tail and lets
one loose.
“Oh, gosh! I think some of it went in my mouth!” shouts
Ewan. The Deer laughs. “It smells terrible!”
“Why? What did you think it would smell like? Pine trees?” asks The Deer, still laughing.
“Well yeah,” replies Ewan. He coughs a bit, “Oh man. It smells worse than dog farts. It’s really pungent. It really stings the nostrils,” says Ewan in
his best Ron Burgundy voice.
The Deer just starts laughing
again, “Hey, sixty percent of the time, it works one-hundred percent of the
time,” he replies, acknowledging the movie reference.
Ewan shakes his head and decides
to move the subject on, “So that’s your pocket?
You keep everything in your butt?
‘How’d that get in your bag, baby?’,” says Ewan, this time in an Austin
Powers voice.
The Deer laughs, “No, that’s not
my pocket. I’m not that kind of
deer. Here, watch more carefully.”
The Deer slowly reaches behind
his back and his hoof and about six inches of his leg disappear. As he pulls his leg back it reappears holding
the iPhone. Ewan blinks a couple times
at this. “I’ll do it again,” says The
Deer. “Watch carefully.”
He reaches behind his back and
his hoof and the iPhone disappear again.
He pulls his hoof back out and the phone is gone. He reaches back again and his hoof
disappears. When he pulls it back this
time he’s holding a ping pong paddle. Al
perks up a bit. He puts that away behind
his back and next he pulls out a box of pizza.
Al slouches back down. He opens
the lid on the box, pulls out a slice and starts eating it. He extends the box forward towards Ewan to
offer him a slice.
Ewan takes a slice and bites
into it, half expecting it to not be real.
It’s real though. Crust, cheese,
pepperoni and marinara sauce go squishing into his mouth. He eats about half of the slice before he
speaks again, “Are you some sort of magician?
How did you do that?”
“Worm hole,” replies The Deer.
“Worm hole?”
“Worm hole.”
“Like in science fiction?”
“Yep. It’s science fact at this point.”
“How the heck did you get a worm
hole?”
“All deer have access to worm
hole technology. It’s in the deer
constitution.”
“Deer constitution?” Ewan shakes his head for a minute. “I’m not even going to ask you to explain
that one. Rather, how did the deer acquire
a technology light years ahead of anything anyone else on earth has?”
“We got it from a visiting alien
species a few years ago.”
“How? They just gave it to you?”
“No, they had an interest in a
deer technology of ours, so we traded it to them for the worm hole technology.”
“Deer technology? Which one?”
“Frolicking.”
“Frolicking? You traded ‘frolicking’ for worm hole
technology?”
“Yep.”
“Wow. Good trade.”
“Yeah, we thought so.”
“Okay, so how does it work?”
“The heck if I know. I just reach behind my back and stick stuff
in and pull stuff out. How does an
iPhone app work? I have no idea. I just know how to use the app to check the
weather, buy movie tickets, or whatever it does. I don’t care how it does that. I’ll leave that up to some engi-deer to
understand.”
“Well, what’s it like in
there? Is it like warm, apple pie?” asks
Ewan with a smirk.
“No, it’s more like reaching
your arm into a closet where whatever you want is within arm’s reach.”
“Is it dark in there?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never tried sticking my head in there.”
“Well why don’t you try it?”
“I’m not trying it. You try it.”
“No way!”
“Well okay then.”
“So what do you keep in there?”
“Anything and everything. My phone, a blanket, usually a couple pizzas,
beer. You know, whatever.”
“Right on. So why worm hole technology?”
“What do you mean?”
“Why didn’t you ask the aliens
for something else? Like the cure for
cancer, for instance? If they had worm
hole technology maybe they had a bunch of other cool stuff, too, like
teleportation, time travel, death rays, or something like that.”
“Well, we were negotiating the
deal with the aliens and they asked us what we wanted in return for the
frolicking technology. We said that we
didn’t really know. So they asked us
what was one of the biggest problems that plagued the deer population.”
“Hunters?”
“Purses.”
“Purses?”
“Yes, purses. One of the deer started talking about how
annoying it is when you’re at the mall with your doe and she starts nagging you
and makes you hold her purse while she proceeds to touch and inspect every
garment in the store while she chats with the store clerk about the clerk’s
family. Meanwhile, you’re stuck outside
the store sitting on a bench waiting with a bunch of balding deer holding
purses.”
“I hate it when my doe does
that,” agrees Ewan.
“I know, right? So all the deer started nodding in agreement
that this was a very real problem we all faced.
The aliens said that they, too, used to have this problem with their
wives. They tried passing a couple laws
to remedy the situation, but every time the women of their planet would nag
them about it until they repealed the law.
So finally they created a secret, military project to solve the problem
once and for all. And voila, the
portable worm hole was invented.”
“So why didn’t the women just
use the wormholes to carry their own purses?
Or why didn’t they just take everything out of their purse and put it in
the wormhole?”
“Because the worm hole was too
practical and didn’t match their outfit.
They also complained that it made them look fat. So their government engineers teamed up with
some of their leading fashion experts to make some worm holes that appealed to
women. They came up with what would be
the equivalent of a Gucci or Prada worm hole.
It looked fabulous, but you couldn’t get it wet, it only had enough space
for a tube of lipstick and a cell phone, and it retailed for eight-hundred
times more than a regular, non designer-named worm hole.”
“So having infinite space was
too much, but lipstick and cell phone space was too little?”
“Apparently.”
“Heh. Women.”
“I know, right? Well, whatevs.”
“So was it Al’s people who gave
the deer worm hole technology?”
“No, it was a different race of
aliens.”
Ewan looks a bit surprised by
this statement, “So is it pretty common for alien races to just touch down and
make contact with the locals in these parts?”
“Well yes, actually, it is. It happens twice a day sometimes.” Ewan looks at The Deer skeptically. “Think about it,” continues The Deer, “You’ve
been in these woods how long now? And
how many different alien races have you met?”
“Touche’, salesman,” replies
Ewan. “So whatever happened to that
alien you traded technology with?”
“He ended up being the best man
at my wedding in Vegas—I had a best man and a best deer. I lost touch with him after that, but last I
heard he was doing well. He got a job in
show business and changed his name to David Blaine or Cris Angel, or something
like that.”
“Nice.”
“Yeah, I’m really happy for
him. Here’s a picture of us and the
wedding party in the shotgun chapel in Vegas where the wedding was held.”
“Neat picture.”
“And here’s the same picture in
hologram form.” The Deer presses a button
and the same picture springs to life from the phone in a floating, 3D model,
which slowly rotates before them.
“Wow, that’s neat. How does your phone do that?”
“It’s an iPhone; it has an app
for that.”
“Cool. Where did you get the phone from?”
“I got it from one of the
visiting alien races that came here awhile back. He told me to be very careful with it as if
it broke it would probably be a couple hundred years before anyone on this
planet knew how to fix it.”
“No doubt. It’s a sweet phone. What else does it do?”
“It has an app that you can use
to go to the bathroom.”
“Yeah, I’ve seen that one
before.”
“Do you remember those old
school solar powered calculators from back when you were a kid?”
“Yeah.”
“The phone has a solar panel
under the touch screen, on the back, and along the sides. It charges the battery inside with sunlight,
moonlight, ambient light, or whatever kind of light is available. You never have to plug it in and charge it.”
“A cell phone that never runs
out of battery life? Wow, that’s pretty
cool.”
“I think it’s possible to run
the battery down, just not under normal using conditions. For example, if some teeny bopper was texting
all their friends, Facebooking with all their internet friends, calculating the
next largest prime number, charging up a car battery, and powering the
audio/visual system at a large night club, then you might see the battery meter
go in the negative direction.”
“It can charge a car battery?”
“Yup.”
“How?”
“There’s an app for that.”
“Do you have to plug jumper
cables into it?”
“Nope.”
“Hmmm.”
“What else can it do?”
“What else can’t it do is more like it!
Just stick around and you’ll see.”
They start walking again. “Okay, well where are we headed to now?” asks
Ewan.
“We’re walking to the campfire
site,” replies The Deer.
“Is that where we’re having the
bonfire later?”
“Yeah. It’s pretty much where everyone hangs
out. If the forest had a living room,
that would be it.”
“Cool. I can’t wait to see it.”
If you enjoyed reading this story please leave me a nice comment; the more feedback I get the more encouragement it is to write! :-)
Thanks for reading! :-)
Next episode: The Deer's iPhone
Previous episode: The Unhappy Couple on their Honeymoon
If you enjoyed reading this story please leave me a nice comment; the more feedback I get the more encouragement it is to write! :-)
Thanks for reading! :-)
Next episode: The Deer's iPhone
Previous episode: The Unhappy Couple on their Honeymoon
