Episode 2: Ewan and the Deer

    It’s morning and the sun is just beginning to rise when Ewan awakes from his bed of dirt, leaves, and inconveniently positioned sticks.  It was a cold night on the mountain and so he starts to wander in search of warm sunlight and food.
    Up ahead in a small clearing he finds both.  A nice, golden sun is shining down on the grass still wet from the morning dew.  A deer stands majestically amongst the tall grass, occasionally with its head down as it grazes on its breakfast.  And a few paces from the deer there is a tree stump with a Big Gulp and an open pizza box with half a pizza inside of it.  Ewan walks slowly up to the tree stump so as to not spook the deer, looks around for signs of other people, then takes a bite of the pizza.
    As he chews he slowly scans the tree line looking for the pizza’s owner.  No one comes.  He starts eating faster and pauses again.  Still no one.  He adjusts the straw in the big gulp and sips about half of what’s in there.  Still no one.  Satisfied that this food has been abandoned by some camper too lazy to clean up after himself, Ewan devours the rest of the meal.  Now just to get out of here.
Ewan sees an old, drab, faded green jeep with no doors parked next to an opening in the tree line.  He walks over to the jeep and leans his head into the cabin.  There’s a few holes in the upholstery and no radio.  It’s definitely seen better days.  The keys are still in the ignition though.  Ewan grabs a hold of them and turns his wrist.  The engine comes to life with the roar of an old car.  He puts his foot down on the clutch, puts it in gear, and makes a u-turn into the gap in the tree line.  The road is pretty bumpy and unkempt and so he has to keep his speed around ten or fifteen miles an hour as the oversized jeep wheels crunch over tree roots and rocks underfoot.
    After about five minutes the road makes a sharp right turn and continues downhill.  Content that this means that this trail will eventually lead him off the mountain and back to civilization, Ewan exhales a big sigh of relief and relaxes a minute.  He decides to further boost his spirits by singing one of his favorite songs, “Ahhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhhh, I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really want!  So tell me what you want, what you really, really want…AHHHHHHHHHH!”
His left foot slams down on the clutch in unison with his right foot coming down hard on the brake, but his reaction was not quick enough and he slides right into a deer in the middle of the road.  The deer rolls up over the hood, crushes the front windshield, and rolls back down the hood into the dirt road.  The jeep screeches to a halt and Ewan’s head quickly ricochets off the steering wheel.
His knuckles are white and still clutching the steering wheel.  He slowly unclasps them and swivels in his seat to slide out of the vehicle.  He gets about halfway around when the airbag decides to deploy, ejecting him out of the cockpit such that he lands flat on his face, forehead to rock, smacking his head a second time.
Lying on the ground in a pile of dirt, leaves, and his own tears, Ewan starts to become more aware of his surrounds, namely the two new, small bumps on his throbbing head.  He can also hear a god-awful noise coming from the front of the jeep.  So he stands up, brushes himself off, and walks around to the front of the vehicle.
The deer is lying on the ground in obvious pain, “Owwwwwwwwww!  My neck!  My back!  My neck and my back!  Call a doctor!  I need a backiotomoy!  I’ll sue!  I’ll sue!  There was no wet floor sign!” it screams.
“Hey, you alright there, buddy?” asks Ewan.
“No!  I’m having one of the worst days of my life so far!” replies The Deer.  He slowly pulls himself up with his front hooves into a seated position and stretches a bit.  “There I was this morning, just having a nice leisurely breakfast like I always do, just minding my own business, when some jabronie comes tearing out the woods like his pants are on fire.  He walks right up to my breakfast table, looks at the half of a pizza still in the box, and looks me right in the eye.  Now I’m thinking to myself, ‘I know this guy isn’t just going to look me in the eye and then eat my food.’  And what does he do?  He starts going to town on my breakfast.”
“That was your pizza?  Oh, snap!  My bad.  I didn’t know.  I figured that what with you being a deer and all it probably wasn’t yours.  And you were over there eating grass.”
“I was having a little salad with my breakfast!  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a pizza delivered out here??  It’s not something you can do just every day and so you gotta savor the pie and make it last for a couple meals.  I would expect that kind of behavior from a doe, but not from a harmless looking like guy like yourself.  Now stop interrupting me.”
“Sorry.”
"So I’m watching the situation unfold and I’m thinking to myself, ‘Now I know this guy isn’t going to drink all my Mountain Dew…  Oh, and he is not going to just pee in the cup and put it back with the straw in…’” Ewan chuckles.  “’I know he is not going to make a cool, origami pirate hat out of the box top...  He’s not touching my jeep…  I know he’s not going to get in it…  I know he’s not going to steal—it’s gone.’  So I take off running after you, cut through the forest, and head you off at the pass.  I see you driving it right towards me and I’m thinking, ‘Now I know this guy isn’t just going to run me over with my own jeep.’  And what do you do??  Ahhhhh!  It stings!!  The rudeness stings!!  And so does the fender a little bit.”
“Just a little bit?”
“Just a little bit,” says The Deer sarcastically.
“Look, I’m really sorry.  I’ve had a pretty bad day myself.  I was briefly trapped on a mountain with my nagging girlfriend, abducted by aliens, I had to drink Mountain Dew, and I was just in a car accident with a deer.”
“I know about the last two,” says The Deer with a deadpan look.
“Oh, right.  Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“Really?”
“No, I was just trying to be nice about it, but whatever.  You weren’t going that fast and so I think I’m okay.  Help me up.”  The Deer raises his two front legs up and Ewan grabs hold and helps him up onto all fours.  “So what’s your name, pal?”
“Ewan.”
“Nice to meet you, Ewan.  My name is Frank.”
“Your name is Frank?”
“Yeah, so?  Are deer not allowed to have names?”
“No, I’m okay with that.  It’s just that the other guy in the spaceship’s name was also Frank.  That’s kind of a weird coincidence.”
“Not really.  It’s actually pretty common”
“Hunh?  What do you mean?”
“Frank is the most common name in the galaxy.”
“It’s not Bob?”
“Nah, Bob is more like a close third.”
“Hmmm, interesting.  Wait; you’re not shocked that I was abducted by aliens?”
“Nah.  Aliens are pretty common around here.  They’re always getting lost in this galaxy and when they decide to touch down and ask for directions this is where they usually go.  Heck, I was abducted by aliens right after I started chasing after you.  They asked me for directions, I’d never heard of the solar system they were describing, so they beamed me back down into the middle of the road.  That’s when you came along.”
“Why didn’t you move out of the way?”
“Ever heard the expression ‘like a deer caught in headlights’?”
“Yeah.”
“Well all those expressions come from somewhere, and that’s the truth behind that one.”
“Well thanks for being cool about all this.”
“Yeah, no problem.  I’m not going to act like it wasn’t partly my fault when I was clearly standing in the middle of the road paying no attention to anything.  That’s some ignorant doe shizzle right there.”
“That’s some what?”
“That’s the kind of ignorant stuff a doe would do, and I ain’t no doe.”
“Isn’t a doe a female deer?”
“Yes, but it’s also slang for any deer who’s acting a fool and being ignorant about it.”
“Hunh.  I never knew that.  But then again I don’t have too many friends who are deer.  In fact, you’re probably the first.  Wait, does the petting zoo count?”
“No, the petting zoo doesn’t count.”
“Yup, you’re the first then.”
“Alright, well let me give you lowdown on deer.  There are basically two kinds of deer in this world: deer, and doe; and doe have got to go!  Every time decent, hard working deer are trying to hang out somewhere and have a good time, some ignorant-ass doe come along and ruin it.  Can’t keep a comedy club open for more than three weeks because doe are crappin’ on the stage!  Can’t hang out at a new glade because doe are pissin’ on the grass!  And the worst part about doe, the very worst part about doe--”
“Hold up.  I don’t mean to interrupt your rant, but all this sounds a little familiar.”
“What do you mean?”
“It sounds like some stand-up I heard back in college from Chris Rock.”
“Chris who?”
“Chris Rock.  He was a pretty famous comedian back in the day.”
“Nah, never heard of him.”
“That’s funny.  So you're telling me that right now if I go to your room in your house--"
"Deers don't live in houses."
"In your... glade, whatever, there's not a Chris Rock cd in the cd changer right now."
"That's right.  And besides, you don't even know where I live!"
"No matter...  I'll just get up and wander over to..."
Ewan lunges in the fictitious direction of The Deer's room and The Deer takes of running into the woods.  He returns a minute later, "Hah-hah, okay, you got me.  Peep dis."  The Deer pulls out an iPod and hands the ear buds to Ewan.  He listens for a minute and laughs.
"How do you charge this thing?"
"What kind of silly question is that?" replies The Deer.
"You're a deer!"
"So?"
"That begs the question, 'So how do you charge this thing??'"
"You really don’t have any other deer friends, do you?”  Ewan makes a puzzled face and shakes his head.  “I charge this thing the same way everyone else does-- I plug it into my laptop."
"You plug it into your laptop."
"I plug it into my laptop."
"You have a laptop?"
"Yes, I have a laptop.  It's a Macbook, in fact.  It's very shiny, the keyboard lights up, it has a webcam--"
"It has a webcam?  What do you do, video chat with the Keebler elves?"
"As a matter of fact, I do.  The Keeblers are a nice family."
"You video chat with the-- wait, really?  What are they like?  Are they nice?"
"Yeah, they're nice to talk to, although they can be a little short on words sometimes."
"Ahhhhhhhhh!  Good one, Deer!"
"Ahhhhh!  Thanks man.  I do have a name though."
“Yeah, I’m still getting used to that.  Do you mind if I just call you Deer instead as a nickname?  You are my only deer friend, and my dearest friend, so it kinda makes sense.”
"Sure, why not."
“Well now that that’s all out of the way, I’m still a little hungry.  How about you?”
“Yeah, I could eat.”
“Well what is there to eat around here?”
“There’s plenty of grass, leaves, moss, and tree bark.”
“Tempting.  What else?”
“I do have another pizza in the back of the jeep.”
“Now you’re talking!”
The Deer grabs the second pizza box from the back of the jeep and sets it down on a big rock.  Ewan opens the box, “Pepperoni and mushrooms, yuck!  No thanks.”
“You can pick the mushrooms off if you want,” assures The Deer.
“Okay, deal.”
They eat some more of the pizza when The Deer walks over to a nearby pond to get a drink.  Ewan is thirsty, too, from all the thick-crust, pepperoni pizza he just ate and so he follows, “Is this water safe to drink?”
“I’m drinking it,” replies The Deer.
“Good enough for me.”  Ewan stoops down by the water’s edge and starts cupping water into his mouth with his hands.  After several hearty gulps he looks deeper into the water, “Why are the fish wearing diapers?”
“The ducks got tired of them crapping in their pond.”
“Fair enough.  So what’s next?”
“There’s supposed to be a campfire party tonight.  I was going to head over to the outpost to invite the Colonel and the alien.  You can come with if you want.”
“Sure, I’m down.  How are we going to get there?”
“Well I was just going to prance over, but I’m guessing you don’t prance very well, do you?”
“Maybe for a mile or so, but that’s it.”
“Okay, well prance for as long as you can and then we’ll just walk the rest of the way.”
The Deer prances off into the forest.  Ewan shrugs his shoulders, “When in Rome…” and skips like a little girl after him.

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Episode 1: Wine in the Woods

Somewhere, deep in the woods of North America…

               The sun is a few minutes away from setting as a young couple enjoys a few beers and some wine in front of a warm, roaring campfire on a crisp autumn night.  Ewan slowly stands, stretches, and says to his girlfriend, “I’ll be right back, honey!

No he won’t.  Not if he’s lucky, that is.  His girlfriend is kind of a nag.  But I digress.

Having nearly consumed his shoe size in beer, thus filling his squirrel-bladder, Ewan walks away from the campfire about twenty paces into the tree line to water a nearby bush.  No sooner does he begin, a bright light shines in his face.  He squints and turns face away from the light, “Look, Mr. Park Ranger, I’m just whizzing in the woods.  That’s not illegal, right?  Bears crap in the woods all the time, right?  And you don’t ever see them in jail for it.  Come on, man.  I’m just trying to have a romantic evening in the woods with my girlfriend so that she won’t nag me about it for awhile, and then I can watch sports in peace.  You understand, right?  I’m sure Mrs. Park Ranger pulls the same stuff on you all the time.  …Hey, does anyone else hear a microwave running?”

There is a bright flash and when Ewan opens his eyes he is standing in front of another young couple about his age on the bridge of a highly sophisticated spaceship.  They are holding hands and wearing what looks like matching skin-tight flight suits.

“Are you The Matrix?” says Ewan to the man and woman.

“No,” the man replies.

“The park ranger?” asks Ewan.

“No,” says the man again in a slightly annoyed tone.

“Batman?”

“NO,” says the man and the woman together in unison.  “And stop peeing on our floor!”

“Oops, sorry,” says Ewan as he cuts off the flow and quickly zips up.  “So who are you?”

“We’re lost…,” says the man.  He pauses for a minute and woman next to him fixes an intent stare in his direction.  “…and we need directions.  My wife and I are on our honeymoon, and we took a wrong turn, and now we’re trying to find our way to the resort just past the next galaxy.”

“Ummm, can’t any of all this help with that?” says Ewan pointing to all the various computers and blinking lights around them.

“…” the man starts to speak when the woman cuts him off, “You would think so, wouldn’t you.  But no, Captain Tightwad here wouldn’t spring for the GPS maps for this solar system.”

“Well can’t you just put the address of the resort into the GPS and have it take you there?” asks Ewan.

“No, Captain Obvious, we can’t.  My husband didn’t write down the address of the resort.  He figured we’d just ‘wing it’ and follow the road signs to get there.  Got any other bright ideas?” 

Ewan thinks about asking her why she didn’t also write down the address of the resort before they left, but then he thinks better of it and wisely decides not to.  “Ummm, not really.  I still have to pee some more and so it’s hard not to think of anything else.  Where’s your bathroom?  I’ll help you more after that when I have a clear head.”

“Bath what?”

“Bathroom.”

“What-room?”

“Bathroom.”

“A what-what?”

“It’s a room you pee in.  Don’t they have bathrooms in the future?”

“We’re not from the future, we’re from another galaxy.”

“Whatever.  You’re spacemen from outer space with a fancy spaceship--”

“We just call it a ship,” interrupts the man.

“Hunh?” says Ewan.

“The spaceship.  We just call them ships.  All ships go through space, so it’s kind of silly to call them space ships.  I’m assuming you all on Earth are still piloting cars, right?”

“Um, yeah.”

“Well you don’t call them land cars, right?”

“Well no, that would be silly.”

“Just like calling ships spaceships.”

“No, that’s different.”

The man sighs.  “Let’s agree to disagree on this one.”

“Sure, whatevs.  I still need to pee though.  So what do you guys do about that?”

“We use our iPhones.”

“What?”

“Yeah, there’s an app for that.”  The man pulls out a small handheld device, points it at Ewan’s crotch, and presses a few buttons on the touch screen.

“Wait, what’s it doing?” says Ewan, now suddenly concerned about his family jewels.

“It’ll be fine.  Just hold still.  It takes about fifteen seconds… There, it’s done.”

“Wow, it worked.  I don’t have to pee anymore.  That’s amazing!  I don’t know what’s more surprising though; that you have iPhones or that you use them to go to the bathroom.”

“Well of course we use our iPhones to go to the bathroom.  We use them for everything!  Helen’s iPhone is piloting the ship right now, which is a good thing because you know women don’t know how to pilot!  Am I right?!  Hi-five!”  Ewan and the man exchange laughs and hi-fives.

“Shut-up, Frank!” says Helen.

“Sorry, dear.  Anyways.  My iPhone is also translating our speech right now.”

“Hunh?” says Ewan with a puzzled look on his face.

“You don’t really think we’re all speaking English right now, do you?”

“Um, well, yeah, right?”

“Wrong!  It’s not like we’re from another country a few thousand miles away like China where it’s remotely possible we might have learned English.  We’re from another galaxy, billions of light years away.  But never fear, there’s an app for that, too.  That’s the universal translator app.”

“Will you boys please quit playing with your toys and help figure out a way to get us to the resort!” says Helen.

“Yes, dear.  So you can’t help us at all, can you?” asks Frank.

“Nope.  I’m afraid not,” replies Ewan.  “You might be able to help me though.”

“How is that?”

“Do you know how to make baked beans over a campfire?”

“Not off the top of my head.  I’ll try looking it up in the ship’s computer though.”  Frank wanders over a console, closes his eyes, and fiddles with the instruments.

“What’s he doing?” asks Ewan.

“He’s googleing for the recipe within the ship’s local database,” replies Helen.

“Where’s the monitor?”

“The what?”

“The display.”

“Oh.  Computers don’t usually have those anymore.  After doing a lot of research with the blind using computers our civilization realized that if you could do without the monitor then you could have a desktop with infinite resolution.  And having infinite resolution opened the door for a whole new way of interacting with technology.”

“So the traditional desktop is…”

“…a living picture in his mind.”

“Cool.”

“I guess so.  I never really thought about it until now.  It’s pretty standard these days.  You can get dressed in your closest in the dark, right?”

“As long as it’s my closet and not when I got drunk and pass out at the T.G.I. Friday’s restaurant bar, and changed in the very public coat room the next morning while everyone there was trying to have brunch, then yeah, I can do that.”

Helen starts to imagine how a person would get into such a situation, then quickly dismisses it with a shudder and a shake of the head before the mental picture she is getting solidifies.  “Yeah, well it’s sorta like that.”

“So then why does your iPhone have a display?”

“It’s an iPhone Classic.  The display makes it hip in a retro sort of way.  Also, when they first took the display away there was a big surge of complaints from the subscribers that their apps didn’t work right anymore.  Really, the apps worked fine, they just thought that they didn’t because the display was gone.  It’s like what happened with your civilization in the early 2000s with cell phones.  They took the little plastic doohickey off the top of the phone that looked like an antennae and everyone complained about getting crappy reception.  The antennae was always in the phone itself though, and the knob was just for aesthetics.“

“You guys heard about that?”

“Yeah, it was on all our comedy channels for a week.”

“Well I wish you guys would have done something about it.  I got horrible cell phone reception when I bought one of those phones without the antennae on top.”

Helen gives him a puzzled look.

Ewan shrugs his shoulders, “Meh.  So do you guys live on this ship, too?”

“Yep.”

“So you eat, sleep, and travel in this space ship?”

“Ship.”

“Regular ship?”

“Just ‘ship’.”

“Right, my mistake.  So you eat, sleep, and travel in this ‘ship’?”

“Yeah, pretty much.  That’s how everyone in our civilization lives.”

“That kinda sucks.”

“And what would you suggest as an alternative?  Driving to work every day, sitting in hours of traffic, and spending a fortune on a non mobile home that you barely use?  Yeah, that’s a really efficient way to live.”

“Touche’.”

Ewan and Helen talk for a few more minutes when Frank chimes in, “I found the recipe.  I can transfer it to your iPhone if you’d like as my transfer app is backwards compatible to the original iPhone.”

“I don’t have an iPhone.”

Dead silence.

“I beg your pardon?”

“I said I don’t have an iPhone,” repeats Ewan.

“I’m sorry.  I’m afraid I’m going to have to ask you to leave,” says Frank in a stern, even handed tone.

“Wait, can I first get that recipe??”

“No, sorry, I’m afraid not.  Bye-bye now!”

****

With a zap and a flash Ewan finds himself back in the woods, although apparently not the same section of woods he was in before.  He wanders around aimlessly for a few minutes trying to find his campsite, but with no luck.  He’s totally lost and might freeze or starve to death, which is a bit of a bummer.

But on the bright side, his girlfriend is nowhere to be found either.

He smiles, “Sweet.".

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 Next episode:  Ewan and the Deer