Episode 2: Ewan and the Deer

    It’s morning and the sun is just beginning to rise when Ewan awakes from his bed of dirt, leaves, and inconveniently positioned sticks.  It was a cold night on the mountain and so he starts to wander in search of warm sunlight and food.
    Up ahead in a small clearing he finds both.  A nice, golden sun is shining down on the grass still wet from the morning dew.  A deer stands majestically amongst the tall grass, occasionally with its head down as it grazes on its breakfast.  And a few paces from the deer there is a tree stump with a Big Gulp and an open pizza box with half a pizza inside of it.  Ewan walks slowly up to the tree stump so as to not spook the deer, looks around for signs of other people, then takes a bite of the pizza.
    As he chews he slowly scans the tree line looking for the pizza’s owner.  No one comes.  He starts eating faster and pauses again.  Still no one.  He adjusts the straw in the big gulp and sips about half of what’s in there.  Still no one.  Satisfied that this food has been abandoned by some camper too lazy to clean up after himself, Ewan devours the rest of the meal.  Now just to get out of here.
Ewan sees an old, drab, faded green jeep with no doors parked next to an opening in the tree line.  He walks over to the jeep and leans his head into the cabin.  There’s a few holes in the upholstery and no radio.  It’s definitely seen better days.  The keys are still in the ignition though.  Ewan grabs a hold of them and turns his wrist.  The engine comes to life with the roar of an old car.  He puts his foot down on the clutch, puts it in gear, and makes a u-turn into the gap in the tree line.  The road is pretty bumpy and unkempt and so he has to keep his speed around ten or fifteen miles an hour as the oversized jeep wheels crunch over tree roots and rocks underfoot.
    After about five minutes the road makes a sharp right turn and continues downhill.  Content that this means that this trail will eventually lead him off the mountain and back to civilization, Ewan exhales a big sigh of relief and relaxes a minute.  He decides to further boost his spirits by singing one of his favorite songs, “Ahhhhh ahhhhhh ahhhhhh, I’ll tell ya what I want, what I really, really want!  So tell me what you want, what you really, really want…AHHHHHHHHHH!”
His left foot slams down on the clutch in unison with his right foot coming down hard on the brake, but his reaction was not quick enough and he slides right into a deer in the middle of the road.  The deer rolls up over the hood, crushes the front windshield, and rolls back down the hood into the dirt road.  The jeep screeches to a halt and Ewan’s head quickly ricochets off the steering wheel.
His knuckles are white and still clutching the steering wheel.  He slowly unclasps them and swivels in his seat to slide out of the vehicle.  He gets about halfway around when the airbag decides to deploy, ejecting him out of the cockpit such that he lands flat on his face, forehead to rock, smacking his head a second time.
Lying on the ground in a pile of dirt, leaves, and his own tears, Ewan starts to become more aware of his surrounds, namely the two new, small bumps on his throbbing head.  He can also hear a god-awful noise coming from the front of the jeep.  So he stands up, brushes himself off, and walks around to the front of the vehicle.
The deer is lying on the ground in obvious pain, “Owwwwwwwwww!  My neck!  My back!  My neck and my back!  Call a doctor!  I need a backiotomoy!  I’ll sue!  I’ll sue!  There was no wet floor sign!” it screams.
“Hey, you alright there, buddy?” asks Ewan.
“No!  I’m having one of the worst days of my life so far!” replies The Deer.  He slowly pulls himself up with his front hooves into a seated position and stretches a bit.  “There I was this morning, just having a nice leisurely breakfast like I always do, just minding my own business, when some jabronie comes tearing out the woods like his pants are on fire.  He walks right up to my breakfast table, looks at the half of a pizza still in the box, and looks me right in the eye.  Now I’m thinking to myself, ‘I know this guy isn’t just going to look me in the eye and then eat my food.’  And what does he do?  He starts going to town on my breakfast.”
“That was your pizza?  Oh, snap!  My bad.  I didn’t know.  I figured that what with you being a deer and all it probably wasn’t yours.  And you were over there eating grass.”
“I was having a little salad with my breakfast!  Do you have any idea how hard it is to get a pizza delivered out here??  It’s not something you can do just every day and so you gotta savor the pie and make it last for a couple meals.  I would expect that kind of behavior from a doe, but not from a harmless looking like guy like yourself.  Now stop interrupting me.”
“Sorry.”
"So I’m watching the situation unfold and I’m thinking to myself, ‘Now I know this guy isn’t going to drink all my Mountain Dew…  Oh, and he is not going to just pee in the cup and put it back with the straw in…’” Ewan chuckles.  “’I know he is not going to make a cool, origami pirate hat out of the box top...  He’s not touching my jeep…  I know he’s not going to get in it…  I know he’s not going to steal—it’s gone.’  So I take off running after you, cut through the forest, and head you off at the pass.  I see you driving it right towards me and I’m thinking, ‘Now I know this guy isn’t just going to run me over with my own jeep.’  And what do you do??  Ahhhhh!  It stings!!  The rudeness stings!!  And so does the fender a little bit.”
“Just a little bit?”
“Just a little bit,” says The Deer sarcastically.
“Look, I’m really sorry.  I’ve had a pretty bad day myself.  I was briefly trapped on a mountain with my nagging girlfriend, abducted by aliens, I had to drink Mountain Dew, and I was just in a car accident with a deer.”
“I know about the last two,” says The Deer with a deadpan look.
“Oh, right.  Sorry.”
“It’s okay.”
“Really?”
“No, I was just trying to be nice about it, but whatever.  You weren’t going that fast and so I think I’m okay.  Help me up.”  The Deer raises his two front legs up and Ewan grabs hold and helps him up onto all fours.  “So what’s your name, pal?”
“Ewan.”
“Nice to meet you, Ewan.  My name is Frank.”
“Your name is Frank?”
“Yeah, so?  Are deer not allowed to have names?”
“No, I’m okay with that.  It’s just that the other guy in the spaceship’s name was also Frank.  That’s kind of a weird coincidence.”
“Not really.  It’s actually pretty common”
“Hunh?  What do you mean?”
“Frank is the most common name in the galaxy.”
“It’s not Bob?”
“Nah, Bob is more like a close third.”
“Hmmm, interesting.  Wait; you’re not shocked that I was abducted by aliens?”
“Nah.  Aliens are pretty common around here.  They’re always getting lost in this galaxy and when they decide to touch down and ask for directions this is where they usually go.  Heck, I was abducted by aliens right after I started chasing after you.  They asked me for directions, I’d never heard of the solar system they were describing, so they beamed me back down into the middle of the road.  That’s when you came along.”
“Why didn’t you move out of the way?”
“Ever heard the expression ‘like a deer caught in headlights’?”
“Yeah.”
“Well all those expressions come from somewhere, and that’s the truth behind that one.”
“Well thanks for being cool about all this.”
“Yeah, no problem.  I’m not going to act like it wasn’t partly my fault when I was clearly standing in the middle of the road paying no attention to anything.  That’s some ignorant doe shizzle right there.”
“That’s some what?”
“That’s the kind of ignorant stuff a doe would do, and I ain’t no doe.”
“Isn’t a doe a female deer?”
“Yes, but it’s also slang for any deer who’s acting a fool and being ignorant about it.”
“Hunh.  I never knew that.  But then again I don’t have too many friends who are deer.  In fact, you’re probably the first.  Wait, does the petting zoo count?”
“No, the petting zoo doesn’t count.”
“Yup, you’re the first then.”
“Alright, well let me give you lowdown on deer.  There are basically two kinds of deer in this world: deer, and doe; and doe have got to go!  Every time decent, hard working deer are trying to hang out somewhere and have a good time, some ignorant-ass doe come along and ruin it.  Can’t keep a comedy club open for more than three weeks because doe are crappin’ on the stage!  Can’t hang out at a new glade because doe are pissin’ on the grass!  And the worst part about doe, the very worst part about doe--”
“Hold up.  I don’t mean to interrupt your rant, but all this sounds a little familiar.”
“What do you mean?”
“It sounds like some stand-up I heard back in college from Chris Rock.”
“Chris who?”
“Chris Rock.  He was a pretty famous comedian back in the day.”
“Nah, never heard of him.”
“That’s funny.  So you're telling me that right now if I go to your room in your house--"
"Deers don't live in houses."
"In your... glade, whatever, there's not a Chris Rock cd in the cd changer right now."
"That's right.  And besides, you don't even know where I live!"
"No matter...  I'll just get up and wander over to..."
Ewan lunges in the fictitious direction of The Deer's room and The Deer takes of running into the woods.  He returns a minute later, "Hah-hah, okay, you got me.  Peep dis."  The Deer pulls out an iPod and hands the ear buds to Ewan.  He listens for a minute and laughs.
"How do you charge this thing?"
"What kind of silly question is that?" replies The Deer.
"You're a deer!"
"So?"
"That begs the question, 'So how do you charge this thing??'"
"You really don’t have any other deer friends, do you?”  Ewan makes a puzzled face and shakes his head.  “I charge this thing the same way everyone else does-- I plug it into my laptop."
"You plug it into your laptop."
"I plug it into my laptop."
"You have a laptop?"
"Yes, I have a laptop.  It's a Macbook, in fact.  It's very shiny, the keyboard lights up, it has a webcam--"
"It has a webcam?  What do you do, video chat with the Keebler elves?"
"As a matter of fact, I do.  The Keeblers are a nice family."
"You video chat with the-- wait, really?  What are they like?  Are they nice?"
"Yeah, they're nice to talk to, although they can be a little short on words sometimes."
"Ahhhhhhhhh!  Good one, Deer!"
"Ahhhhh!  Thanks man.  I do have a name though."
“Yeah, I’m still getting used to that.  Do you mind if I just call you Deer instead as a nickname?  You are my only deer friend, and my dearest friend, so it kinda makes sense.”
"Sure, why not."
“Well now that that’s all out of the way, I’m still a little hungry.  How about you?”
“Yeah, I could eat.”
“Well what is there to eat around here?”
“There’s plenty of grass, leaves, moss, and tree bark.”
“Tempting.  What else?”
“I do have another pizza in the back of the jeep.”
“Now you’re talking!”
The Deer grabs the second pizza box from the back of the jeep and sets it down on a big rock.  Ewan opens the box, “Pepperoni and mushrooms, yuck!  No thanks.”
“You can pick the mushrooms off if you want,” assures The Deer.
“Okay, deal.”
They eat some more of the pizza when The Deer walks over to a nearby pond to get a drink.  Ewan is thirsty, too, from all the thick-crust, pepperoni pizza he just ate and so he follows, “Is this water safe to drink?”
“I’m drinking it,” replies The Deer.
“Good enough for me.”  Ewan stoops down by the water’s edge and starts cupping water into his mouth with his hands.  After several hearty gulps he looks deeper into the water, “Why are the fish wearing diapers?”
“The ducks got tired of them crapping in their pond.”
“Fair enough.  So what’s next?”
“There’s supposed to be a campfire party tonight.  I was going to head over to the outpost to invite the Colonel and the alien.  You can come with if you want.”
“Sure, I’m down.  How are we going to get there?”
“Well I was just going to prance over, but I’m guessing you don’t prance very well, do you?”
“Maybe for a mile or so, but that’s it.”
“Okay, well prance for as long as you can and then we’ll just walk the rest of the way.”
The Deer prances off into the forest.  Ewan shrugs his shoulders, “When in Rome…” and skips like a little girl after him.

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