After
a few miles of prancing Ewan and The Deer are walking through the woods in the
midst of a good conversation. “You’re
pretty good at that! Much better than I
thought you’d be. You’re like one of
those River Dance guys, except you move your arms like a ghost doing the
moonwalk,” comments The Deer.
“Yeah, I’m a little surprised at
my performance as well… Now let us never
speak of it again. So where are we going
again?” asks Ewan as he briskly changes the subject.
“We’re
going to The Outpost,” replies The Deer.
“What’s
‘the outpost’?”
“It’s
an old, secret, military facility built back in the 50s to study all the
extraterrestrial activity in these parts.”
“Cool. Are we going to be able to get in?”
“Yeah,
as far as we can tell it’s been abandoned for some time now. There’s the entrance up ahead.”
Ewan
and The Deer walk through an open, chain-linked fence gate towards an old, tan
building. As they pass through Ewan
notes the barbed wire atop the fence and looks around for the usual
accompanying armed guards. There’s no
one around in sight, and it looks as if it’s been that way for awhile.
They pass
a couple more abandoned security check points and reach the façade of the old
building and a massive, steel entrance door.
The steel is about four inches thick and looks like it belongs on a
battleship. The door is propped open
with a rock though, and so Ewan and The Deer just walk right in without even
breaking their stride.
Past
the door is a short hallway that opens up into a small office, much akin to a
waiting room in a doctor’s office. There
are a few old chairs and a large, old, metal desk in one corner pushed out from
the wall a few feet.
Sitting behind the desk leaning
back in an old, reclining office chair is an older gentleman in his mid fifties
dressed from head to toe in green, camouflaged, combat fatigues. His hair is short, snowy-grey, and precisely
groomed. His feet are propped up on the
desk in front of him, ankles crossed, so that his big, black, shiny combat
boots are facing the door and anyone who enters the room, yet his gaze is
intently fixed on an old World War II era pin-up magazine in his hands. Opposite the desk is an old, 32” CRT
Television on an old, metal shelf. The
channel is tuned to some twenty-hour hour news network.
The Deer comes to a halt in
front of the man with Ewan to his right side, “Howdy, Colonel. What’s the good word?”
Without looking up the man
replies, "Before I joined the Service I was fired from a marketing job at
a soda company when I referred to 'easy pour' bottles as 'slut' bottles."
“Good to know,” replies The Deer
without missing a beat. “I’m just
stopping by to let you know we’re having another campfire party tonight and to
show Ewan the alien. I hope to see you
there.”
The Colonel licks the tip of his
finger and turns the page of his magazine.
He doesn’t reply. Ewan looks at
The Deer and shrugs his shoulders.
The Deer walks through the foyer
into the continuation of the hallway and Ewan follows. As they’re walking they pass some open doors
leading into unused offices, “So what’s his deal?” asks Ewan.
“I’m not exactly sure as he
never says. My best guess is that at
some point the secret program going on here was cancelled or shut down or
something, and apparently he never got a copy of that memo.”
“Well, have you tried asking
him?”
“As you just saw he’s not one
for conversation.”
“Gotcha. So what’s up with this alien then? Is it like the ones that abducted me back in
the forest?”
“See for yourself. It’s usually hanging out the break room up
ahead.”
“It’s just in there hanging
out? Why doesn’t it try to escape?”
“I don’t think it wants to
leave. You’ll see. It’ll be like looking at the ‘what’s wrong with
this picture’ in a Highlights magazine.”
They walk around the last corner
at the end of the hallway and into a large, multi-purpose room that has been
setup has a break room. In fact, it
looks like it was setup as a break room fifty years and hasn’t changed
since. The furniture is sturdy,
functional, and very outdated. There’s
three old couches of varying lengths grouped in a C shape around an old
television. The upholstery on the
couches is akin to burlap, and a dull orange color heavily faded from the
sun. The TV is one of those old TVs
built-in to a wood enclosure to look like furniture. Behind the TV in the back left corner is a green
ping pong table and a pool table. In the
opposite far corner is a bookshelf with some old books and a few loose reading
chairs, and a steel chin-up bar bolted to the wall.
“Look over there in the corner,”
says The Deer.
“Ooh! A buffet table with bagels and cereal!” says
Ewan. He quickly rushes over to the right
to the near corner and tears into a little box of Count Chocula and a
bagel. “It’s all a little stale, but
still good!”
“No, Einstein, the other
corner.”
“The coat rack?” says Ewan,
motioning his head towards the corner by the door behind The Deer.
“No, the other-other corner.”
“The corner with the bookshelf?”
“No, the corner with the alien.”
“Which one?”
“It’s the one with the alien.”
“Ohhhhhhhh. Snap,” says Ewan, finally spying the alien
next to the ping pong table.
The alien is about five feet tall,
green, and pear shaped. At the top of
the pear are two small, friendly eyes flush with the skin that appears to have
the consistency of Jello. Its
pear-shaped belly goes almost all the way down to the floor. Protruding from underneath the floor are two
fin shaped feet, also green. Sticking
out on each side of the torso is an arm about the length of a man’s, but with
no elbows, wrists, or other visible joints.
There’s no visible mouth or nose.
“It kinda looks like a fat Gumby.
Or a green, Hershey’s Kiss candy with feet,” says Ewan.
“Yeah,” agrees The Deer.
“How does it go to the
bathroom?” asks Ewan.
“How does it go to the
bathroom? That’s your first question?? You meet intelligent, alien life from another
galaxy for the first time and your first question is how does it go to the
bathroom?!”
“Well, yeah. I mean, does it go #1 or #2?”
“It goes #3,” replies The Deer, frowning
at Ewan’s question.
“What’s #3?”
“You’ll know when it
happens. Try to duck.”
“Why is it bobbing up and down
like that? Is it dancing?” asks Ewan,
referring to how the alien is pulsing up and down about an inch or two like an
Oompa-Loompa.
“Maybe? It does that about eighty times a minute, so
I think that's how it breathes and circulates whatever fluids it’s made of around
its body. I don’t think it has any
bones. Its whole body is as squishy as
it looks.”
“Really? Can I touch it? It won’t get mad?”
“Does it look like it gets mad?”
“Nah, actually it’s kinda cute.”
“Sure, go for it. It doesn’t care.”
Ewan walks up and gently pokes
the side of the alien’s belly with two fingers, “Hehe! It’s like a water bed! Only my older brothers aren’t jumping on it
and making me cry and pee myself. Why is
it holding a ping-pong paddle?” asks Ewan, notioning to the wooden paddle in The
Alien’s left, fingerless hand.
“The Alien loves ping-pong. It seems to be its most favorite thing in the
world.”
“Bee-doo-bee-doo-boop?” says The
Alien, perking up a bit at sound of the word “ping-pong”.
“Did it just talk?” asks Ewan.
“Yeah, it asked you if you want
to play ping pong.”
“How do you know what it said?”
“Because that’s all it ever
says, and it’s always holding a ping pong paddle. And if you grab a ping pong ball and go to
the other side of the ping pong table it will play you.”
“Oh reeeeeally? I spent a lot of time in college playing ping
pong. My professors said that my time
would have been better spent going to lecture and reading the material. Well I certainly showed them!”
Ewan grabs a paddle and a ball
from a nearby shelf and walks around to the other side of the table, “Okay, Al,
you’re on. I can call you Al, can’t
I? Great. You serve.”
Ewan tosses the ball to him over the net and assumes his ready stance. Al picks up the ball, bounces it once, and
gingerly serves it over the net to Ewan, like a five year old serving to his
older brother.
A bit surprised by this, Ewan
hits it right back to him with a soft return.
Al returns the volley in suit.
Ewan hits it again, but slightly to the right this time. Al goes up on his tippy-toes and slides to
the left like an old, electric type writer when it hits the carriage return,
and returns the volley. Ewan hits it
back to the other side of the table.
Again, Al goes up on his tippy toes and slides to the right, but just
misses the chance to return.
“1-0!” yells Ewan. “We’re playing to fifteen, right?” No response from Al; just more bobbing up and
down. “Right. Fifteen it is. Okay, my serve.”
Play continues for a few
minutes. “10-0. You ready?” asks Ewan.
Very nonchalantly, or at least
as nonchalantly an alien can be, Al transfers the paddle from his left hand to
his right. Ewan serves and Al returns
the serves with a shocking increase in speed.
“What was that??” exclaims Ewan.
“That was 10-1!” laughs The
Deer.
“Pshaw. Beginners luck. Your serve, Al.” Ewan bounces the ball over to him. Al picks it up and gingerly serves it over
the net. Ewan lightly hits it back. SMACK!
The balls whizzes by Ewan.
“10-2!” laughs The Deer.
“That was a fluke! Won’t happen again.” insists Ewan.
Al serves, Ewan hits it back
much harder, and Al sends another one whizzing off the table and just past his
right ear.
“10-3!” shouts The Deer.
“A lucky shot!”
“10-4!”
“More luck!”
“10-5; ‘Don’t call it a
comeback! We’ve been back for years!!’”
Play continues for a few more
minutes.
“10-10!” laughs The Deer. He’s sitting on his hind legs now, holding
his chest with his front hooves to try to stop from laughing so hard.”
“Why are you laughing like
that??” says Ewan, starting to get a little annoyed at the situation.
“Because he’s hustling
you!! I mean, come on man! How many ping pong playing aliens have you
met that suck at the game?”
“Well this is the first one I’ve
met, actually.”
“Fair enough. Well how long do you think he’s been playing
this game?”
“I’m not getting hustled.”
“Are you sure about that? Do you want to make it interesting?”
“Sure. How about twenty bucks says I win this game,”
says Ewan, pulling out a twenty dollar bill from his wallet and throwing it on
the floor in front of The Deer.
The Deer reaches behind his
back, pulls out a wallet, and does the same.
“You’re on!”
“I have a confession to make
though,” says Ewan with a somber look on his face.
“What’s that?”
Ewan looks right at Al, drags
his first two fingers across his eyes as if he were wearing a mask, and says,
“I am also not left-handed,” and tosses the paddle to his right hand with a
flourish. Al serves and Ewan smacks it
right back for a point. “11-10!” shouts
Ewan, looking at The Deer with an ear to ear grin.
“Well played, sir,” dryly
replies The Deer.
Game play continues for a few
more minutes.
“15-10!” shouts Ewan
triumphantly. He walks over and scoops
up the pile of money, “Domino, beeyotch!”
“Yeah, yeah. Good job.”
Ewan turns to Al and holds up
his hand to give him a hi-five, “Hey, good game, Al. You had me worried there for a bit.” Al remains motionless except for his usual
bobbing, and so Ewan puts his hand down.
“Bee-doo-bee-doo-boop?” replies
Al.
“What?”
“He wants a rematch,” interjects
The Deer.
“How do you know that’s what he
said?”
“Well literally he asked if you
want to play pong, which in this context I’m assuming means he wants a
rematch.”
“Sure, why not. Let’s call it best two out of three, double
or nothing?”
“I’m game,” says The Deer,
pulling out another twenty from his wallet.
“It’s a bet then,” says Ewan,
dropping another twenty on the pile. He
walks back over to the ping pong table and bounces the ball a couple times. “Okay, this time I get the starting serve now
that I know this isn’t your first rodeo.”
Al looks back at him blankly, bouncing up and down as usual, ping pong
paddle in his right hand. “Are you
ready?” asks Ewan.
Al very nonchalantly reaches his
left hand behind his back and pulls out another ping pong paddle.
“Oh, what is that?! Two paddles?!
I don’t know which planet’s rules this guy is playing by, but it isn’t
ours!” exclaims Ewan.
The Deer laughs, “A bet is a bet,
buddy! Or do you want to back out?”
Ewan puffs up his chest a bit,
“You know what? I got this. Game on.
Zero serving zero.”
Several minutes of frantic game
play ensue. Al doesn’t shuffle from left
to right as he did before. Instead, his
arms stretch to get the paddle on that side where it needs to be to return the
volley. In the end though, it’s not
enough.
“15-13! That’s game!
Whew!” pants a now sweaty Ewan.
“Good game, buddy,” he says to Al.
“Give me a hi-five.” Al looks at
him with the same expression, bobbing up and down. Ewan reaches down and holds up one of Al’s
hands and gives it a good slap. “Hi-five! Alright!
Good game.”
“Bee-doo-bee-doo-boop?”
“Oh, you want some more of
this? I don’t know, I beat you pretty
good last time. And now I’m in the zone.”
“Play him again. Give me one last chance to win my money
back,” pleads The Deer.
“Well I’d love to take more of
your money, except I’m out of cash.”
“Okay, how about something else
then? I’ll raise you a pizza and some
beer.”
“That’ll probably work. Let me check something real quick
first…” Ewan walks around behind Al.
“What are you looking for?”
“I’m just making sure that he
doesn’t have any more paddles or anything else hidden behind his back.”
“Gotcha.”
“Okay, you’re on. Are you ready, Al?”
Al bounces up and down for a few
seconds, then reaches both arms behind his back. He pulls them forward again and reveals the
same two paddles he was using earlier.
“Hah-hah. Very funny, mister,” answers Ewan.
Very nonchalantly Al pulls two
more arms forward from behind his back, complete with a second pair of paddles
and a second ball.
“Aww crap.”
“I like my pizza with pepperoni
and mushrooms,” grins The Deer.
If you enjoyed reading this story please leave me a nice comment; the more feedback I get the more encouragement it is to write! :-)
Thanks for reading! :-)
Next episode: The Colonel and the Alien
Previous episode: Ewan and the Deer
If you enjoyed reading this story please leave me a nice comment; the more feedback I get the more encouragement it is to write! :-)
Thanks for reading! :-)
Next episode: The Colonel and the Alien
Previous episode: Ewan and the Deer
LOL! I am thoroughly enjoying each installment. Very fun :)
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