Ewan
and The Deer are walking back down the hallway towards the entrance to The
Facility with Al in tow. They walk
through the opening into The Colonel’s office and pause for a minute so The
Deer can say a few quick words to him, “Hey Colonel. We’re taking Al for a walk. We’ll bring him back in a little bit.”
“Someone
threw a bird at my window,” replies The Colonel.
“Riiiight. Anyways,” The Deer shakes his head for a
second. “We’ll bring him back in a
little bit. Come on, Al.”
The
Deer turns to exit the building with Ewan to his right and Al walking slowly
behind, bobbing all the way. “Are you
sure Al should come with us?” asks Ewan.
“Yeah,
he’ll be fine. We do this all the time.”
“I
know he’ll be fine, but what about everyone else? Won’t they freak out when they see him?”
“Who’s
‘everyone else’? I guess you haven’t
noticed but this is pretty much it for all the regulars in these parts. And everyone else from around these parts
already knows and loves Al.” They all
walk outside.
“Fair
enough. Where to next?”
“Let’s
head back towards the campfire site and make sure we have everything we need
there for tonight.”
“K. Are we prancing? Or can we walk?”
“We
have to walk since we have Al with us. Al
doesn’t prance very well/at all.”
“Really? I figured he could at least bounce along on
his butt like one of the Gummy Bears. I
mean, look at how rubbery and squishy he is.
He’s kind of like a green, Pillsbury Doughboy.”
“Yeah,
sorta, but without the hat.”
“We
should get him some sort of a hat.”
The three of them walk through
the woods for quite some time before Ewan speaks up again, “So how do you order
a pizza around here anyway?”
“Umm, you pick up the phone and
call the pizza place?” replies The Deer rhetorically.
“Wow. And they deliver all the way out here?”
“Well, not really. We have to special order it in advance.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well the closest pizza place is
at least a thousand miles from here. I’m
not sure how far exactly as I’ve never been there and I’ve never looked it
up. I just call the number, order about
two-thousand pizzas and four thousand liters of cola, and it shows up in a couple
of weeks.”
“Damn, that’s a lot of pizza.”
“Yeah, well they normally only
deliver within twenty miles of the store and so to come all the way out of the
way here we have to make it worth their while.
You can’t really blame them as after all they are just trying to run a
profitable business.”
“Can you order some Mountain Dew
next time?”
“We have Mountain Dew
already. We just call it ‘Dew’ though.”
“Really? How?”
“We make our own brand of it
here in the mountains. We keep some for
ourselves, and re-label the rest as Mountain Dew to sell to independent
distributors. That’s how we make some of
the money we use to buy all the pizzas and other stuff you see around here.”
“Really? Is it any good?”
“It tastes just like regular
Mountain Dew.”
“Cool. Can I try it sometime?”
“Sure.”
“Do you drink it?”
“Hell no! I only drink the real stuff.”
“Why not?”
“Cause I know how we make it and
what’s in it.”
“What’s in it?”
“You don’t want to know.”
“Well in most sodas there’s
water, high fructose corn syrup, polysorbanate-monofilo-whatchamacallits, and
twenty-three other chemicals or ingredients I can’t pronounce. Oh, and yellow number seven, of course. So what’s the main ingredient in Deer
Mountain Dew?”
“It’s not the main ingredient,
it’s the only ingredient. And sugar.”
“Yellow number seven, too?”
“Nope.”
“Really? Why not?”
“Don’t need it.”
“Oh. Ohhhhhhh…”
“Yeah… I’m going to need you to come in on Sunday,
too, riiight…”
“Let’s change the subject.”
“Yes, lets.”
“So some of the pizza money
comes from that thing we’ll never speak of again—“
“What thing?”
“Exactly. So where does the rest of the money come
from?”
"Ever been to a crappy
website that gets a million hits a week that you think is run by monkees?"
"Yeah, all the time. That’s like, most of the Internet."
"Well they’re not run by
monkees. They're run by deer. And sometimes squirrels if it's a tween
site."
“What do you mean?”
“Ever heard of the Twilight
series?”
“Yeah, with all the vampires and
stuff. It looks pretty cool.”
“Well about half of the high
traffic Twilight fan sites out there are created by squirrels as they
have a permanent tween mentality.”
“I’m not following you.”
“You see, the language spoken by
squirrels is actually very close to tween speak. Like when squirrels laugh they don't actually
laugh like we do, rather they say the squirrel equivalent letters of
l-o-l-o-l-o-l together very quickly. And
they pretty much begin and end every sentence with ‘so totally lol omg’, and
they’ll say it once or twice in mid sentence, too.”
“So they talk like how kids and
teens write when they text message each other?”
“Yep. U got it.”
“OIC. That’s rly rly kewl.” They both laugh. “Heh heh heh.
Thank goodness for tweens and squirrels; they’re an endless source of
amusement!” laughs Ewan.
“You should read some of the
squirrels’ Forestbook pages. It’s
hilarious,” says The Deer.
“Wait, what? Forestbook?
Don’t you mean Facebook?”
"No, I mean Forestbook. We use Forestbook out here."
"Why don't you just use Facebook like everyone else?"
"Do you see a lot of faces
out here? No. So we use Forestbook instead."
"Well, what's it
like?"
"Come here and I'll show
you on my iPhone.” The Deer reaches
behind his back and pulls out a very shiny piece of hardware. Ewan comes around one side of it and huddles
next to The Deer for a better view. “It's
basically like Facebook, but with life in the forest in mind. For example, instead of writing on someone's
wall you piss on their tree. Instead of
poking them you throw an acorn at them.
Instead of playing 'Farmville' you play 'Beaver Dam'. Instead of being a fan of The Black Eyed Peas
you can be a fan of that rock over there.
And so on."
"That is a pretty cool
looking rock. Oh, and The Black Eyed
Peas are pretty awesome, too,” remarks Ewan.
“I be up in the gym just working on my fitness; I’m delicious,"
sings Ewan in his best Fergie voice.
"Yeah, I'm a fan of them,
too."
"Cool. How many Forestbook friends do you
have?"
"Here, take a look at my
profile. 624."
"Wow, that's a lot."
"Nah, not really. Probably about 400 of them are
squirrels. I can't tell those guys
apart, so when one of them sends me a friend request I just accept it. I have no idea who they are."
"Sounds like the regular
Facebook."
“Ha!”
“Well 624 is still a lot."
"Not really. Check out Al's page. He has over twenty-seven thousand."
"Holy crap."
"I know, right? We set up a profile for him to help find more
people to play ping pong with him.
Apparently there's a lot of people in Asia who love the sport. Take a look at these pictures in his
bushes."
"Is that--"
"Yup. That's Al playing Jackie Chan in a sixteen hour
grudge match."
"Jackie’s not even holding
paddles."
"Yeah, he used his hands
and bare feet as paddles. The match was
part of his training for an upcoming martial arts movie he was filming."
"What about that
picture. Is that--"
"Yup, that's Chuck
Norris."
"Wow. Who won that match?"
"Al did, but only because
Chuck was holding back."
"Really? How come?"
"Chuck Norris has to hold
back when he plays ping pong otherwise he would destroy the Earth with tornados
and tsunamis from his hurricane swings."
"Ahhh, yes. I think I read that somewhere on the Internet
back in college."
“So here, let’s pick a random
squirrel on my friends list and look at the status updates. They’re all pretty much the same.” The Deer navigates the Forestbook app to a
squirrel’s profile page. “Here’s what it
says:
Sammy Squirrel is out gathering nuts.
Suzie Squirrel and 357 other squirrels like
this.
Ben Squirrel has commented on the profile
status of Sammy Squirrel: “Gimme dat, dat, dat nut!”
Sammy Squirrel replied to Ben Squirrel’s
comment, “lol omg”.
Tera Squirrel thinks winter is coming and
winter sucks!
Ben Squirrel replied to the profile status
of Tera Squirrel: "Winter is coming?
Oh crap! I haven't started
gathering nuts yet!"
Tera Squirrel replied: "You oughta get
that other guy to help you catch up."
Ben Squirrel: "Who??"
Tera Squirrel: "Deez nutz!!"
Ben Squirrel: "lol omg. You so totally got me with that one
lol!"
Ewan turns to The Deer and says,
"Man, squirrels are idiots."
“I know, right? They’re fun to hang out with for a little
bit, but then it starts getting old.
Here’s a little tip: if you ever go to a party and there’s a group of
annoying squirrels there, do a cherry bomb, espresso vodka, or some other kind
of shot like that with them and they’ll go into overdrive and then crash and
pass out. Make sure you tuck your pants
into your socks beforehand though as for the next twenty minutes they’re awake
they go ballistic.”
“Good to know.” Ewan is about to start a new sentence when he
sees The Deer’s ears perk up, “What’s up?
Do you hear something?”
“Yeah, it’s coming from the top
of that hill over there to the left.
Let’s go check it out. Come on,
Al.”
The Deer and Ewan turn to the
left and start walking up a dirt path on the hill with Al bopping along as
usual behind them. After about fifty
yards the ground levels off and there’s a small log cabin atop the hill. A large wall of firewood is neatly stacked
between two trees off to the right of the house. There’s also an old, canvas hammock between
two other trees overlooking the bottom of the hill and a large, flat rock just
to the left of the dirt path as it reaches the door to the cabin. Large, overgrown shrubs block part of the
front windows, and there’s another small, tilt-out window on the left side of
the cabin.
The tilt-out window is open and
they can hear two people arguing from inside of the cabin. The Deer, Ewan, and Al walk up along that
side of the cabin, but not in view of the window. “I’m going to get a better look. Stay put,” says The Deer. He slowly inches over a few feet, hops up on
his hind legs, and peers in the tilt-out window.
Looking in The Deer sees a young
couple in their early thirties having an argument in the one room cabin. The woman is sitting on the edge of the
queen-sized bed, the man is sitting in one of a pair of old rocking chairs
positioned on either side of a large bear skin rug in front of a roaring
fire. There are old, thick curtains
drawn over all the windows, and the only other light source besides the
fireplace seems to be an old, oil burning lantern resting on one of the solid
wood night stands. There’s no sign of a
TV or other modern appliance. In fact, there
doesn’t even seem to be electricity at all.
The woman is visibly upset, and
appears to be on the verge of crying.
The man is sitting in the rocking chair to the right of the fire with
his back facing the tilt-out window, hovering over his iPhone.
The woman shakes her hands in
front of her as she pleads with her husband, “Come on, honey. Please stop watching TV for just a minute so
that we can talk. Remember how I said
that I wanted this weekend to be a romantic weekend away for just the two of us
so that we can reconnect? And we’re very
lucky that our friend offered to lend us his cabin for free.”
“Yes, I remember. But remember how I told you that was fine but
I wanted to watch the big game this weekend?
Well the game just started, and it won't be over for a few hours, and that's
only if it doesn't go into overtime, which it might. So as soon as it’s over we can start our
‘romantic’ weekend together.”
“But the romantic weekend has
already started! It was such a pretty
and relaxing drive out here. And we’re
here now. Together.”
“Yes, and we made it just in
time to watch the game. I almost had a
heart attack when I realized there was no TV, or electricity for that matter,
in this cabin. Luckily I can stream live
TV to this bad boy right here,” says the husband tapping the side of his iPhone
affectionately.
“Well can’t you watch the game
later? You’re recording it at home,
right?”
“I am recording it at home, but
that’s just a failsafe. So no, I can’t
watch it later.”
“Well why not?”
“It’s just not the same as
watching it live. The guys will have
already seen it by then, and they’ll want to talk about it, and it will spoil
everything.”
“Well can’t you miss one game
just this once?”
“Can’t you just let it go and
not nag me about this just this once?
You’re starting to sound like my mother.”
The Deer looks back at Ewan,
“That’s never a wise thing to say to a woman.”
“Well maybe I wouldn’t act like
your mom if you didn’t treat me like your mom!” yells the wife. “Try paying attention to me some time other
than when you’re hungry, sleepy, or need a diaper change.”
“That’s not true!” protests the
husband.
“Oh, that’s right, I forgot; and
when you’re horny. Or at least when you
used to be. You haven’t looked at me or
touched me since you got that iPhone of yours.”
“Well maybe I would if you spent
less time nagging me and more time on the treadmill. If nagging burned as many calories as jogging
you would win a marathon.”
“Don’t put this all on me! I’ve gained a little weight since we got
married, but I’m still sexy!” She pulls
open the top of her robe revealing a lacy bra.
“Damn, she pretty fine,” says
The Deer to Ewan.
“And besides, you’re not mister
captain of the football team either.
You’ve put on quite the beer belly since college. So don’t try to make me feel bad about my
body,” fires back the woman. “And
another thing—“ she stops herself in mid sentence and looks out the window at
The Deer peering in. “Honey, there’s a
deer at the window.”
The man doesn’t respond and
stays focused on his phone.
“Honey, there’s a deer at the
window.”
“I know. I heard you the first time.”
“Well take a look at it. I think it’s watching us.”
“I don’t want to take a look at
it.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’m watching the game! And because it’s just a stupid deer! Who cares if it’s looking. Now quit bugging me during the game.”
“Well at least the stupid deer
is paying attention to me. That’s more
than I can say about my so-called husband at the moment who doesn’t even want
to get tender with his wife. Maybe I
should invite the deer in and let it take care of business.”
"Maybe you should! Although he probably only likes deer and not
elk, so maybe you better spend some more time on the treadmill first."
“Why are you being like
this? This is supposed to be a romantic
weekend away for just the two of us!”
“And I told you I just want to
watch the game first!! That’s it!!! I’m out of here!!! I’m going for a walk so that I can watch the
game in peace.” The man stands up and storms
out the front door of the log cabin with his iPhone. “I’ll be back when it’s over.” He gets halfway into the tree line when there
is a bright flash of light.
"No you won't; I've seen
that light before," says Ewan.
The wife is crying. Still listening intently Ewan says, "She
sounds pretty bent out of shape. Maybe
we should go and talk to her or something?"
"Yeah, you're right. Wait.
You should probably let me handle this one. You may not be very sensitive to her
situation seeing as how you yourself were just recently liberated from the
crushing clutches of your girlfriend's talons."
"Yeah, you're right. Alright, good luck man."
Ewan gives The Deer a pat on the
back. The Deer rolls his shoulders a few
times and takes a couple deep breaths.
“Alright, I’m going in,” says The Deer.
The Deer walks in to the cabin
and sits down on the bed next to the crying woman. Ewan takes The Deer’s spot next to the
tilt-out window and looks in, describing the situation to Al who is just off to
the side of the window, not visible from the inside. "Okay, he's sitting beside her on the
bed. She’s crying. Now he's comforting her in his arms. She's crying harder. It looks like she's really letting it all
out. They’re talking. They’re talking some more. It seems like they’re negotiating some sort
of a deal. She’s nodding her head in
agreement and wiping away her tears. Okay,
he reached behind his back and pulled out a small ziploc bag and a record. He's putting the record on the old, wind-up
record player.”
Bob Marley can faintly be heard
from inside the cabin:
Don’t let’em fool ya-- oh no!
Or even try to screw ya-- oh yeah!
Could you be loved?
Then be loved…
Ewan continues to describe the
scene to Al, “Okay, he's made some sort of fat cigar from what was in the bag
and they're smoking it together. He just
pulled out a big bag of Doritos from behind his back... Cool Ranch flavor, I
believe. She's looking a lot more
relaxed now… He’s pulling out another
record from behind his back and putting it on the record player.”
The low baritone of Barry White
can be heard from within the cabin.
“He's sitting beside her on the
bed rubbing her shoulders. He's getting
up and walking over to the lamp on the night stand. He blew out the lamp. He’s walking over to the window. He just shut the window in my face and drew a
curtain over it. It's much darker in
there now. I can't see anything through
the curtain. Hmmm. I guess they were sleepy and decided to take
a nap."
"Beedoo-beedoo-boop?"
"Yeah, sure. That will kill some time. Do you have an extra paddle?"
If you enjoyed reading this story please leave me a nice comment; the more feedback I get the more encouragement it is to write! :-)
Thanks for reading! :-)
Next episode: The Unhappy Couple on their Honeymoon
Previous episode: The Colonel and the Alien
If you enjoyed reading this story please leave me a nice comment; the more feedback I get the more encouragement it is to write! :-)
Thanks for reading! :-)
Next episode: The Unhappy Couple on their Honeymoon
Previous episode: The Colonel and the Alien
